dealing with this

When I was growing up, I basically lived in the woods. Every day was spent climbing trees, building forts and fairyhouses, and just roaming around in nature. I was constantly covered in poison something — oak, ivy, or sumac. Take your pick. My hands would swell, my face looked like a basketball, and every time, my mother said “never again”. But of course, I never listened, and neither did the poisons.

With all that said, getting a rash is one of my biggest fears.

You would think that because I spent most of my childhood covered in some form of rash, that I would be used to it. The exact opposite is the truth. So when I started noticing that my hands were itchy two days ago, it was difficult to suppress the bubble of anxiety I felt in my stomach.

My hands are now covered in poison ivy, as well as my lips, neck, armpits, thigh and foot. You can kind of see the blisters in the picture included below, however the swelling is the worst part. I can’t even straighten that finger.

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Along with that, though, is an insane amount of anxiety and what I can only describe as body dismorphia (I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m not using the term lightly). It’s gotten so bad that I haven’t been able to eat or sleep the past two days. Yesterday I slathered my face in make up to try to make myself feel better, only to cry and remove it all 5 minutes later. This has happened in the past, but never to this extent. All I want to do is lock myself in a room and distract myself with Netflix, but of course I can’t do that. So I’ve been busying myself with cleaning out my closet, tidying the house, sun bathing, and jogging. That’s how you know it’s bad, when I break out the ol’ sneakers.

I did go to the doctor today, and they prescribed me a steroid to take for the next twelve days, which is kind of disappointing because I was hoping for a steroid shot, which takes effect within three days. I’m worried because I work all this weekend, and since my job handles other peoples food, I don’t want to put them at risk, or in the least make them uncomfortable. Hopefully by Sunday my hands will be more clear, and I’ll be able to get some sleep.

In the meantime, I’ve been busying myself making new recipes, since my food choices were in a little bit of a rut. So today, I made homemade tortilla chips and homemade salsa! It was super delicious, especially since I haven’t been able to eat much.

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It was a very easy recipe, and the chips were much more filling than store-bought, for some reason!

Anyway, here’s to hoping this rash goes away soon, because I’m exhausted.


xx Elle Mary


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